Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I May Be Broken, But I Mean Well

Some days, my life is so difficult that I just want to cry. I don't mean that my life in general is difficult, because it's not. It's actually pretty damned amazing in most respects. What I mean is that living in my body day to day can make me so worn out mentally and physically, that I just want to fall asleep for a few years, just to feel normal for once.

I may not look too bad on the outside, but if you could see just how messed up I am inside, you would cringe and run in fear.

Not only do I have an awesome chronic disease that makes planning a meal a nightmare, but I have such debilitating anxiety problems that the only way to get by in social situation is to cling to the resident pet like it's the last life boat on the Titanic.

On a good day, I feel like a normal human being. I don't have any tummy issues, I can eat whatever I want, and I can mingle with people without spinning the ring on my finger so hard and fast that I bruise. On a bad day though, it's almost not even worth getting out of bed.

No matter what I eat, be it steamed rice and veggies, or a greasy cheeseburger, I get sick. And not just once, no...that would make being me too simple. I get sick every 10-45 minutes all day long. There are only so many times you can excuse yourself from class before you just have to pack up your stuff and not come back. Maybe if my Crohn's was a bit more predictable, this wouldn't be too much of an issue...but it's not.

I can eat something for years, and it's perfectly fine. Then one day, my guts will go NOPE, and that food is off the menu for a month, until I'm forced to try it to see if it's edible again. Generally, I can eat it again, until my guts have the same reaction, and we start the cycle all over again. Also, trying new food is pretty much out of the question. So not only does the food have a pretty good chance of making you sick all day, but it's the same thing you have eaten for years.

Tummy issues are semi-controllable, because I can plan and think ahead. The anxiety issues however, are so far beyond my control that it's painful sometimes.

I don't like crowds. I don't like parties. I don't like gatherings of more than 3 people generally. One a side note, whoever thought "small talk" was a good idea, need to be drawn and quartered, and his left over pieces fed to the fucking crows. Small talk is what gets me in trouble...generally it goes like this for me.
Stranger: So, this party is great. How do you know (person who the party is for)?

Me: *Momentary deer in the headlights look* Umm....they're friends with my friend. I'm just here for emotional support. You know, in case the zombie apocalypse starts while we're here and she has to shoot her friend in the face.

Stranger: *blank stare*

Me:  Some of us are ready, some of us are zombie h'orderves. It's the circle of life.

Stranger: So...these little bacon wraps are pretty nice.

Me: Did you know that a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes, or more?

Stranger: *Just turns and walks away*

My brain goes "Say something! You look crazy just standing over here by yourself. SAY SOMETHING." It's at that point, that out of the anxiety of looking like a crazy person, I end up saying the first thing that comes to mind...which is almost always a horrible horrible idea...and generally ends up making me look like a crazy person. Then I have a near panic attack over that little snafu, and suddenly word vomit comes exploding from my mouth in an attempt to save face...which leads to an even worse situation in the end.

See, this is why I can't have nice things or make new friends.

Yes, this is my dog holding my hand. Pippin loves all his people.

So in the end, I tend to just sit out of the way, clamping my mouth shut, and playing with the family pet. Because the dog doesn't care that you're a damaged person, he just wants you to scratch his belly. The cat may judge you, but he's a cat, and I've come to terms with feline snootyness. An animal is more than happy to stay with you when the room seems so small you can't breathe. They're always willing to give you a nuzzle or a kiss on the cheek when you're crying in the bathroom because you just made a fool of yourself in front of someone you may never meet again.

Like I said...some days, I really hate being me.

Love and Lightning Bugs,


Alice Ablaze said...

I LOVED reading this! You are so brave! Thank you for sharing this. <3 you're the best!!!

Megan said...

You are my new favorite person. I love it when folks are honest and tell it like it is. It bothers me that so many people wear a mask everyday and the rest of us end up thinking they are perfect (well atleast facebook perfect). It makes me feel like a normal, completely messed up, regular person when I can see others as they truly are. So thanks for your honesty=). PS I also have anxiety and can totally relate on that side of things.

Hobbies on a Budget said...

I have a friend who deals with some of these issues too. It's tough to not be able to control or really determine what brings on the issues. Praying that you have more good days than bad! Aren't we sure thankful for our pets!

Jolene Gorden said...

I feel for ya sweetie! That can definitely make life difficult, even on your good days! But know, that you and I can just be awkward together, Izzy! ;)

jody cowan said...

Yes, you are brave for writing this. I feel the exact same say when I have to talk to someone I don't know. That feeling inside just wells up and I can't even talk right or think of anything to say. I have really bad anxiety and depression. I also have a stomach problem, but I don't know what it is. I haven't been to the Dr. yet. I can't eat hardly anything. And never ever more than 3 or 4 bites or I'm sick. I don't know why I haven't gone to the Dr. I just don't call, anxiety, I guess. I hope you're feeling better tonight! Thanks for writing this! You're not alone!

jesicaj1 said...

A lot of people have social anxiety. I think most people feel just as scared as you do to meet knew people, but somehow find a way to overcome the fear. I hope you can manage it some day and also find some relief for your Crohns. Maybe try a new doc if you haven't had answers or help from old one... or a nutritionist?

Coupons and Friends said...

I love the way you can talk about it and you seem to have come to terms with all of it. Me at a party is just sit out of the way with my mouth closed as well, I wish I could have a zombie discussion!!

Mama Luvs Books said...

Sorry to hear this!! The only thing you can do is be aware of it and work on it. It sounds like you're doing that already. And there really is nothing like a pet. They are there for you no matter what!!!

Cheap Is The *New* Classy said...

30 minutes, eh? Nice job pigs.

See, that's how I deal with stressful situations. Or any situation, really. I am quite the jokester.

At any rate, I have heard Crohn's is really tough to deal with and from your account I agree. Hopefully there will be some cure or something for it soon. *hugs*

Marieesbella said...

I am sorry you have to deal with physically is sounds painful and uncomfortable. I get very nervous when meeting new people, my hands get really sweaty. I also have been needing root canal for a couple years now, but I haven't been able to get it done. As a result I have a broken tooth that no matter how much I brush, rinse or floss it causes bad breath. This is always in my mind when meeting new people sometimes I just smile and try to get by with as little talking as possible.