I May Be Broken, But I Mean Well

Some days, my life is so difficult that I just want to cry. I don't mean that my life in general is difficult, because it's not. It's actually pretty damned amazing in most respects. What I mean is that living in my body day to day can make me so worn out mentally and physically, that I just want to fall asleep for a few years, just to feel normal for once.

I may not look too bad on the outside, but if you could see just how messed up I am inside, you would cringe and run in fear.

Not only do I have an awesome chronic disease that makes planning a meal a nightmare, but I have such debilitating anxiety problems that the only way to get by in social situation is to cling to the resident pet like it's the last life boat on the Titanic.

On a good day, I feel like a normal human being. I don't have any tummy issues, I can eat whatever I want, and I can mingle with people without spinning the ring on my finger so hard and fast that I bruise. On a bad day though, it's almost not even worth getting out of bed.

No matter what I eat, be it steamed rice and veggies, or a greasy cheeseburger, I get sick. And not just once, no...that would make being me too simple. I get sick every 10-45 minutes all day long. There are only so many times you can excuse yourself from class before you just have to pack up your stuff and not come back. Maybe if my Crohn's was a bit more predictable, this wouldn't be too much of an issue...but it's not.

I can eat something for years, and it's perfectly fine. Then one day, my guts will go NOPE, and that food is off the menu for a month, until I'm forced to try it to see if it's edible again. Generally, I can eat it again, until my guts have the same reaction, and we start the cycle all over again. Also, trying new food is pretty much out of the question. So not only does the food have a pretty good chance of making you sick all day, but it's the same thing you have eaten for years.

Tummy issues are semi-controllable, because I can plan and think ahead. The anxiety issues however, are so far beyond my control that it's painful sometimes.

I don't like crowds. I don't like parties. I don't like gatherings of more than 3 people generally. One a side note, whoever thought "small talk" was a good idea, need to be drawn and quartered, and his left over pieces fed to the fucking crows. Small talk is what gets me in trouble...generally it goes like this for me.
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Stranger: So, this party is great. How do you know (person who the party is for)?

Me: *Momentary deer in the headlights look* Umm....they're friends with my friend. I'm just here for emotional support. You know, in case the zombie apocalypse starts while we're here and she has to shoot her friend in the face.

Stranger: *blank stare*

Me:  Some of us are ready, some of us are zombie h'orderves. It's the circle of life.

Stranger: So...these little bacon wraps are pretty nice.

Me: Did you know that a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes, or more?

Stranger: *Just turns and walks away*
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THIS IS WHY I CAN'T DO SMALL TALK.

My brain goes "Say something! You look crazy just standing over here by yourself. SAY SOMETHING." It's at that point, that out of the anxiety of looking like a crazy person, I end up saying the first thing that comes to mind...which is almost always a horrible horrible idea...and generally ends up making me look like a crazy person. Then I have a near panic attack over that little snafu, and suddenly word vomit comes exploding from my mouth in an attempt to save face...which leads to an even worse situation in the end.

See, this is why I can't have nice things or make new friends.

Yes, this is my dog holding my hand. Pippin loves all his people.

So in the end, I tend to just sit out of the way, clamping my mouth shut, and playing with the family pet. Because the dog doesn't care that you're a damaged person, he just wants you to scratch his belly. The cat may judge you, but he's a cat, and I've come to terms with feline snootyness. An animal is more than happy to stay with you when the room seems so small you can't breathe. They're always willing to give you a nuzzle or a kiss on the cheek when you're crying in the bathroom because you just made a fool of yourself in front of someone you may never meet again.

Like I said...some days, I really hate being me.

Love and Lightning Bugs,
 

Suprises from Dr. Steamington

Normally, I hate surprises. I mean, for a normal person, I'm sure they're great. but for an anxiety riddled hermit like myself, surprises tend to induce panic attacks. 

My birthday was the 5th (the big 25, whoo!), and while I had received all the gifts I thought I would get, I checked the mail to find a package in my box today. I thought, "oh, something I'm reviewing and forgot about."

Then I opened it.

Then I became so confused I just sat in the car looking at it and inspecting every piece of paper for a fucking clue as to who sent it. There was a beautiful card inside, with a vintage key stamped on the front and this cryptic little message inside, "From Your Friend". Then a lovely box, tied with green string.

The first thought that went through my mind, was I had a stalker/serial killer who was watching my house. Don't judge, if you could see the rest of my thoughts through the day, that would seem mild in comparison. 

Inside the box was a fantastic pendant, and a business card, and the detective in me immediately went to Google to look this shit up. While I did that, I posted on Facebook in a frantic haste demanding that the mystery sender come forward...which they did...and all was ok in my universe again. I started to look more closely at the shop the pendant had come from, and the more I saw, the more I loved everything about it!

Steampunk Designs by Dr Brassy Steamington turned out to be everything I would have never looked for, but secretly needed in my life. It was dark, it was whimsical, it was steamy...and utter perfection. Also, affordable. Did I mention affordable? Because it totally is. And fabulous too. Here's some info from her site.

"Steampunk Jewelry, Victorian and Gothic Jewelry and accessories - that's what I do. Welcome to DrBrassysSteampunk the home of Dr. Brassy Steamington and Sightmares Bio-Mechanical Steampunk Eyes ™ © (copyright and trademark protected). I do not use commercially produced eyes. I make them from start to finish and I am the only one doing it the "Dr Brassy" way. See Dr Brassy and her Sightmares this October 2013 in the Mythbusters/The Walking Dead, Halloween Special on Discovery Channel. "

I'm still not sure how I never came across her amazing handiwork in all my hours aimlessly surfing etsy, but today, I was thankful for surprises!

If you'd like to see more, please visit her etsy shop, or Facebook page!  

Love and Lightning Bugs,
 

There's a Prize Inside (Every Candle)

Like anyone else who has ever moved away from home, I can get seriously homesick sometimes. We always had several lilac bushes in my parents front and back yards, so sometimes I'll find some lilac oil and warm it, but the scent never lasts for long, and is never as strong as I would like. Not to mention the sneezing fits that often accompanies warming certain brands of oil...

But with Prize Candle, I can get that scent of home without the apocalyptic sneezing storm. Not only is the scent extremely strong (I could smell it through the package before I ever opened it!), but it's long lasting as well! I burned my candle for an hour, and the scent was still lingering in the air 20 minutes later.

Prize Candle not only smells amazing, but lives up to it's namesake; each candles comes with a prize hidden inside! On the side of your candle, you'll see a gold foil dot somewhere inside the glass container. That dot marks the place where your prize is waiting to be unearthed. It took a little over two days of burning to get my candle burned enough to get my prize out, but when I did, I was extremely happy to see what I had received!

Each piece of jewelry comes with a slip of paper, that can be used to find out the approximate value of the piece. This ring is only worth $25, but it's a very simple and elegant ring that can be worn with anything and everything. Since it's a bit big for me however, I gave the ring to my mother, who just loves it! 

If you want to give Prize Candle a try use code HEART10 for 10% off your order! 

Love and Lightning Bugs,
 

Pack it all with Yak Pak

Ever since I was in Elementary School, I hated backpacks. Not your typical annoyance at the thing clinging to your back...no...full on I want to burn it with fire hate. You have to stop what you're doing to get anything out of it, because you have to remove it from your body. You have to dig around for a while to find what you're looking for, because very rarely do they have a good organizational tool in them. Plus, they make you look like a dilapidated turtle. 

For me, the backpack simply wasn't an option, and I gravitated early to the use of messenger bags. Not only could I get something out of my bag without stopping, but I could organize it, and fit more into it as well. I was still a bit disappointed in the quality and designs of some bags though, so I generally had to go with a plain black. That isn't exactly my style...

Thanks to Yak Pak though, I've found a bag that not only is the quality I expect from my bags, but comes in bright and vibrant colors and prints as well!

As a Senior in my last year at Kansas State, my workload is massive...and so is my supplies list. I have four textbooks, seven notebooks and folders, pencils, highlighters, a stapler, my Kindle Fire, my wallet, and various small things like lip balm and eyeliner that all have to make the trip with me to classes each day. Most bags won't be able to hold all that, let alone be comfortable to wear when stuffed full.

My Yak Pak bag, however, still has room to spare! There is one large inner chamber, with two full length pockets along the inside front. The main chamber holds all my books, notebooks, and folders perfectly. The inside pockets hold most of my pencils and pens, and the various smaller items I need them to as well. There is room for my Kindle and wallet too.

On the outside, there is a double pocket along one side, that I use to hold my most used pencils and pens, as well as a box of tissues. Seriously, I can fit a small box of tissues in this thing, and you can't even see it in the picture, can you? The larger pocket runs almost the entire height of the bag, and the smaller outer pocket is about half of that. The outside of the flap also has a zippered pouch, which allows me to take some of my O2 brochures with me as well!

Even with everything I need in the bag, I still have room. I don't even have the deluxe version, I only got the classic. Not only does it have all the room I will ever need, but it's not a flimsy or wilting bag. It's sturdy, almost stiff, and extremely well made. The bag itself is made of a kind of starched canvas material, with solid stitches, and a wide shoulder strap. The strap doesn't dig into me like most of my other bags, and I don't get tired carrying it either.

The bag is held close with four strips of velcro, and a clasp, making sure nothing is going to slip out. This bag is perfect for kids and adults alike, and I'm seriously considering never getting another brand of messenger bag again. In the two weeks I've been using this one, I've become rather spoiled to be honest.

If you like what you're seeing and reading, why not enter below to win a Yak Pak product of your own! Not only do they have bags of all kinds, but clothing, electronics, and even home items too. No matter what you're taste, you'll be able to find something you love!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Love and Lightning Bugs,
 

Weird Shit I found on the Internet Vol. 2

It's time for some more weird shit I found on the internet.

If you've already heard of the Norwegian band Ylvis, you're going to be familiar with this. If you don't know who they are, you are missing out on what could be the greatest song of the year. Seriously people, I don't joke around when it comes to music. This shit is just amazing...in a catchy kind of messed up crazy ass way.

I have listened to this thing like 30 times now, with absolutely no regrets on that time lost. It wasn't wasted...it was invested in a soundgasm for my ears.

Trust me. Stop reading and listen.

Seriously...Stop. Watch.


Love and Lightning Bugs,
 

Weird Shit I found on the Internet

Sometimes when you're browsing the depths of the internet, you come across something you weren't expecting. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes, amazing, and sometimes it's disturbing as fuck. I've made it my goal in life to bring those amazing gems of the interwebs to you, and at a time.

Enjoy.

I found this set of videos the other night at about 3 am. I found them hilarious...though that could be because I was sleep drunk and had a sugar rush going at the same time. This is one of my favorites from the "True Facts" videos. Seriously, give the rest of them a watch...



Love and Lightning Bugs,